El Chigüire Bipolar (pronounced Chig-wee-ray) is a Venezuelan satire/comedy website similar to the Onion, named after South America’s largest rodent. This article has been translated from Spanish for English-speaking readers.
After its failed attempts to mediate the Venezuelan crisis, the government of Norway invited the entertainment studios Marvel Entertainment and Sony Pictures to sit at a table on the island of Barbados to negotiate on the future of the only superhero who uses dental floss, after both companies announced that they will stop producing Spider-Man films.
Secret conversations were infiltrated by our confidential source – which we will not reveal to be our underpaid intern disguised as a gogo dancer – who managed to listen to a Norwegian government mediator while giving him a lap dance at the piano bar of the Barbados Hilton hotel.
“We know that the Venezuelan negotiation was a failure worse than the movie Venom. That’s why we have to seek mediation where we can emerge victorious as the neutral government that we are. Marvel and Sony should resolve their differences so that Spider-Man continues in the Marvel film universe in some way. How will we do it? Well, we’ll have both commissions negotiating on a Caribbean island that’s not Dominican. We help them to solve the conflicts and we hope that Spidey continues in the Marvel universe because nobody wants Tobey McGuire to be Spider-Man again; that would be the worst scenario, the one we are all trying to avoid,” said the Norwegian mediator while ignoring the calls of his Venezuelan colleagues.