El Chigüire Bipolar (pronounced Chig-wee-ray) is a Venezuelan satire/comedy website similar to the Onion, named after South America’s largest rodent. This article has been translated from Spanish for English-speaking readers.
According to the information provided by the United Nations High Commissioner for Refugees (UNHCR), the number of Venezuelan government supporters who have applied for asylum in Cuba remains at 0. Yes, zero. Don’t confuse the number zero with a capital O.
Johann Weisz, an expert from UNHCR, was in charge of publicizing the findings of the report, which studies the migratory behavior of the pro-Chavez Venezuelans in the last 5 years: “the number of chavistas who have requested asylum in Cuba since Maduro became President is a total of 0; a figure that is obvious if we compare it with the numbers of chavistas who have gone to Colombia, Chile, Argentina, Panama, Spain or the United States; there are already thousands of pro-regime militants living in other countries; Some even doing things they never did before in their lives, such as work, for example. The Antillean island is the only country where there is not a single Chavista asking for political asylum. The conclusions of the study say that, apparently, Central American communism is not an ideal environment for people affected by Venezuelan government. Who was going to say it ?!” Weisz said, scratching his head, visibly confused.
The study had repercussions. Ricardo Heredia Sotomayor, the only employee of the Immigration Directorate of Cuba, announced the closure of what he called “Emergency Program to Address the Migratory Waves of Chavistas Asking for Asylum”, which was nothing more than having an intern sitting at a desk from 8 to 11 AM, yawning and doodling on a blank sheet.
“Thanks to the UNHCR report, we were able to fire Odalys. It really didn’t make sense to keep this office open. I warned my commanders a long time ago. I told them that if we opened a Louis Vuitton store or a Hummer dealership, we might attract people, and since we aren’t doing dick, a failed chavista would come to apply for residence or asylum here. But they ignored me and, well, I follow orders, huh? I had to have the poor mulatto employee here all day, idle and boring. Now we can send her to do more profitable things, like trying to get Euros from tourists on the boardwalk. And then I can lock this up and go for rum. They pay me anyway!” said Heredia Sotomayor, who took the opportunity to take one last shot at Odalys.